Today I was on Tumblr when I saw a pic that made me do some heavy thinking and I ended up going through a lot of memories.
If you know me well enough, you can imagine my first reaction was, "Well, if you left, you can go fuck yourself" but then I stopped for a moment. I went to my room, opened my closet and searched for something I hid in there ages ago. A sad box. Now you might not know what a sad box is or what it's used for, but it's pretty simple: you put in there every little thing that reminds you of someone or something that's hurting you.
I see it in my closet every day, but I hadn't opened in months. I did today. I knew there were things like an agenda, a silly drawing, a page off page off a textbook and more, but at the bottom of it I found something I wasn't expecting to see. It was a picture taken three years ago, along with an object that reminds me of someone in the picture. Next to that, seven pages off a diary I used to write last summer whenever I was having a bad day, which means that I would basically write things every day. Most of what's in there is not mine, that diary was made up of lyrics and book quotes, but I do believe sometimes quotes can tell more about us than our actual words.
"But if you turn your back on me now, when I need you the most, but you choose to let me down..."
"Who are you? Where were you? Were you ever here at all?"
"What hurts the most was being so close and having so much to say and watching you walk away."
"I'd always thought that the worst thing that could happen to you was that someone you loved abruptly disappeared."
"Apart from the sadness, loneliness, woundness and humilitation that traditionally accompanies a broken heart, I felt betrayed."
I stopped writing. The last time I wrote was on July 31st. "Love gives everything a meaning. That's why when it's taken away from you, you're fucked." I don't really remember what August was like for me and I have no reminder, which is probably for the best. That period of time can be summed up in those quotes. And among them all, I found one from mid-July that got my attention.
"I won't think about forever, I won't even think about next week, I'll just think about getting through today. Break it into small pieces."
And I realized that's what I've been doing for the past year. Without forgetting my long-term goals, I've been just living for today. Every night I go to bed and every day I wake up thinking about how I'm gonna get through the day. And sometimes it works -really well-, but then again sometimes it's just the worst strategy. Days are long and sometimes rough and I often run out of distractions.
It's become my habit and I guess there's nothing that I can do about it. And if there was something I could do, I'm afraid I wouldn't do it anyway. It's who I am now. And hey, I stopped putting things in the sad box!
July 19th, 2012
PS. And if the one that got away actually came back, which he won't do, my answer would still be the same: Go fuck yourself, stupid bastard.
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Descubrir esta pequeña suma de pensamientos me ha hecho feliz, porque resulta que ésa no era en quién me había convertido, como yo creía, sino que era todo fruto de una tristeza que después de llevarla tanto tiempo conmigo acabó pesando mucho. Todo eso acabó quedando atrás con tiempo y esfuerzo. A día de hoy no he vuelto a abrir mi sad box, ni siquiera le doy la más mínima importancia cuando la veo en el armario, aunque sigue guardada como recordatorio de todo lo que debo evitar. A día de hoy puedo decir que hace tiempo que esa oscuridad que vivía en mí me abandonó y la verdad es que en mis planes no está volver a verla.
Surviving is no longer just about all the living I can handle.
:)
-T-